I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
