Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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