ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
