hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
