I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
