I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
