Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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