how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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