I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
