woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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