We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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