Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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