Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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