The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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