cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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