Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
