pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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