Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
