dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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