We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
