Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
my poor anus
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
