ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
