She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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