He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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