Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize