someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
