Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
