matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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