Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
