I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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