Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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