My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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