u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
