I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize