I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
