My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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