Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
