Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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