Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
