happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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