your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
