if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
