I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
