I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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