see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
