Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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