u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
