sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
