just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
