She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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