just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
