Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize