Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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