your parents love me but you hate me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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