I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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