finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
