I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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