I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
