i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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