Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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