you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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