I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
