A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
