new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
