it was like his penis was on wheels.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize